Separation brings with it so many complexities, from the practical to the deeply emotional. There are resources and groups to help you navigate this time, including: While we can be so fearful about the impact of separation on children, it is parental conflict that causes the most damage rather than separation itself. In fact, for children where there has been high conflict previously, separation can feel like a relief. Before she trained as a couples therapist, Harrison was a divorce lawyer, which sounds like a pretty sharp career swerve. “I was obviously drawn to work with relationships,” she says. “I think I realised that I was in the wrong forum, because I was just much more interested in the relationship stuff. Often people get into the legal forum to deal with their relationship stuff, but it isn’t necessarily a very helpful way of dealing with it. I started training as a couples therapist thinking it would make me a better divorce lawyer, but it made me realise I didn’t want to do that.” FALSE Even for an experienced therapist like Joanna Harrison, it’s often not clear whether a couple are going to make it through. “Individuals have different thresholds for what they can deal with in a relationship,” she says. “There are no absolutes, no moment where it has to be all over.” You need to have lots in common For Children, Voices In The Middle provides support through divorce and separation, including advice on child inclusive mediation ( www.voicesinthemiddle.com)

And we offer support and solidarity to parents over at the Facebook community I run, The Village – A Parenting Community for Humans ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/visforvillage) TRUE If an argument escalates to violence or one partner feeling unsafe, that’s wrong, and you need expert help. But as you learn the landscape of your partner, says Harrison, arguments show you’re working each other out. “You’re finding out what your partner is passionate about, and sharing that. So these disagreements are full of useful information about what matters to each of you. If couples stop talking about what they care about, and sometimes arguing about it, they can start to feel disconnected.” The ‘one’ is out there somewhere For 30 years my wife and I have been arguing about the bins. The argument is not about whose job it is to put out the bins – it’s mine. It’s about how I always need to be reminded to do my job, and how inappropriately resentful I become at having been reminded. I invariably cite this allegation as proof that I remain a tragically misunderstood figure, and then go on to handle the bins roughly. Every Tuesday, at 10pm. You might desperately want things to feel settled, but there are lots of new things to put in place. So slow down. It’ll take time (one to two years) for things to feel more resolved so allow yourself space for that.My wife and I have had all these arguments and more – arguments about why things have been left where they have been left, arguments about togetherness and space, about decisions taken without consultation, or plans insufficiently diarised. One parent, who is co-parenting at a distance after leaving an abusive partner, can have the final word: “In a nutshell, it’s been both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world and am such a better parent for it.” Resources for separated parents

You have actually got to find a way to deal with the domestic side of things, just rubbing along together,” says Harrison. “Then there’s a deeper level – it’s quite an easy stage for any difficult feelings to play out on.” This is undoubtedly true, as I often realise once I’m alone with the bins. Then I am free to explore what proportion of my resentment is about how undervalued I feel generally – I’m only really here to do the bins, I think – and how much of it is just about the bins. Her new book is an essential read for couples and individuals who are experiencing difficulties in their relationships – from how they communicate to what roles they take on and much more (including difficulties about the washing up!). Our relationship partners MUST be able to trust that they can tell us when something is wrong or when something hurts,” says Matthew. “And that we will seek to understand and cooperate in repairing whatever is wrong for them, if they’re ever going to be able to trust us and feel safe within the relationship.In some families these are steady waltzes, others dance side by side with little intimacy, others have dramatic tangoes and for some, there are dances that lead to emotional and physical injury. Those steady rhythm waltzes are predictable, comfortable and – really – what we need to feel secure. The passionate tango of Hollywood romances, unfortunately, doesn’t lead to an easy relationship. Resolving conflict between parents allows children to get on with being children (Photo: Peter Cade/Getty) FALSE The important thing isn’t whether you share a bed – it’s talking about why if you don’t, says Harrison. “Whether it’s down to snoring or young kids, sleeping in separate beds reduces the intimate time you get together. So you need to discuss how you can compensate.” Make love on the sofa in the evening when the kids have gone to sleep. If snoring has driven you to separate rooms, at least have your morning tea in bed together. Never go to bed on an argument Bread goes in, not on, the bread bin. I have basically lost this. The bread bin is now a mere bread display unit (much as the biscuit tin is now just a hiding place for stuff I’m keeping to myself).