There are almost thousands of shows at Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them. I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016) If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.” Fin Taylor (2016) menders19 12. I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were… Five; the legs of two remaining men and the remaining couch leg. 105. The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?

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Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman. I have the woman-flu. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.” Sofie Hagen (2016) I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'” – Tim Vine The catcher and the umpire. 60. Beth’s mother has three daughters. One is called Lara, the other one is Sara. What is the name of the third daughter? I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea. I’ve always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They’ll raise their fists, I’ll whip my knob out.” Mark Nelson (2015) Tim Vine has won the award for funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe twice (Photo: Getty)A man and his wife go into town for a bit of retail therapy. After about 3 hours of walking up and down the high street looking in shops and on market stalls, the wife turns to her husband to say something, but he isn't there .

A 10-foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung on the surface of the water. The rungs are one foot apart, and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long will it be until three rungs are covered? There is one more penny in 1968 than in 1967. 103. What English word has three consecutive double letters? If a monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree, who will get the banana first?Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008) Yo Mamma’s so fat… that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though it’s her responsibility.” Dominic Frisby (2016) My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017) If Sally had 4 piles of sand and Judy had 5 piles of sand, and they put them all together, how many piles would there be?

porichoygupto Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer (Photo: Unsplash) 13. I started a band called 999 megabytes… Are you even a dad if the moment you have a child, you don't immediately start throwing out painfully cheesy and groan inducing jokes? Dad jokes are something we're all used to hearing thanks to one certain family member and his questionable sense of humour; when he becomes a dad, the urge to drop puns and one-liners becomes as overriding as any of life's innate needs. The business of dad jokes has been going on for generations, but don't deny it - we all secretly love them. One hour because the first pill is taken right away, the second comes a half-hour later and the last comes after another half-hour. My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016) Neither one because the accountant was his sister. 82. Uncle Ray’s farm had a terrible storm hit and now all but seven sheep were killed. How many sheep are left alive?

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An anchor. 93. Which English word holds the same pronunciation even if you take away four out of its five letters? Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.