No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Sure, there are benefits to being manipulative when it brings you money, glory, or sexual partners; but Nice Guys get nothing even remotely similar to this; on the contrary, in fact – they lose almost everything. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one’s self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.” Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. Despite their talent, they fail to live up to their potential. The Integrated Male

The process of becoming an integrated male starts with a rather simple question: dear Mr. Nice Guy, how would you live your life if you cared not one bit about other people’s thoughts and feelings about you? The Nice Guy Syndrome typically begins in infancy and childhood when a young boy inaccurately internalizes emotional messages about himself and the world. It is fueled by toxic shame and anxiety. Rapid social change in the late 20th century and early 21st century has contributed to a worldwide explosion of men struggling to find happiness, love, and purpose. How many times have you heard something similar to: “But how could that happen? He seemed like such a nice guy…” The fact that they are constantly helping other people, trying to fix situations and repress their own feelings and needs takes its toll in time and results in them becoming passive-aggressive and angry individuals who feel as if some kind of cosmic injustice has been done to them. Contrary to what the title might seem to imply, No More Mr. Nice Guy does not teach men how to be not nice. Dr. Glover shows men how to become what he calls Integrated Males. Becoming integrated does not mean becoming different or better. It means being able to accept all aspects of oneself. An integrated male can embrace everything that makes him unique - his power, his assertiveness, his humor, his courage, and his mission, as well as his fears, his imperfections, his mistakes, his rough edges, and his dark side.

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My tattered and dog-eared first edition of No more Mr. Nice Guy has served me and all of mankind well. A must read for all guys who want to regain control of their lives (and their relationships)!" Regardless of whether you are currently a recovering Nice Guy, the romantic partner of a potential Nice Guy, a chronic people pleaser, or just someone who finds the subject matter interesting, I believe that No More Mr. Nice Guy is one of those books that absolutely any person can benefit from. This goes into a lot of the psychology of attraction and male-female interactions, but the point of the book is often that women want to be with a man, not some male-shaped stand-in who lets her call all the shots. This willingness to give the woman all the power does not make a woman feel secure in her relationship. In reading NMMNG I became aware that I was unconsciously repeating behavior that destined me to fail in my intimate relationships. The book is aprofound gift to any man wanting to establish authenticity in all aspects of his life anddiscontinue his role as a relationship 'welcome mat.'"

If you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and implement the suggested exercises, you can expect to finally begin to accept yourself exactly as you are, end the vicious cycle of feeling dependent on other people’s approval of you, develop integrity and honesty like you’ve never experienced before, and develop a more intimate and satisfying sexual relationship than you’ve ever been a part of (regardless of whether you’re currently single or already in a relationship). Then, they’ll start to lose respect for you and your preferences, knowing too well that they’re easy to go around with. This will not only build frustration inside you and leave less time for your own life, but also damage your friendship. For this reason, it is important to speak up when something feels uncomfortable and not fear the outcomes of you bringing forth an issue.

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The thing about ‘nice guys’ is that they really aren’t that nice. In fact, they’re often manipulative, controlling, dishonest, resentful people who aren’t very good at recognizing or communicating their needs. According to Dr. Robert Glover, there are many men who “believe that if they are‘good’ and do everything ‘right,’ they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.” I highly recommend this book to every man, even if you think or believe you're an alpha male. A lot of my friends identified me as an alpha male from my secondary school days, but this book spoke to me deep in my gut, and I learned a lot - for which I'm eternally grateful to Dr. Glover for. The stories of men’s trials, tribulations, and triumphs truly is inspiring. We read of men who are so paralyzed by their fear of abandonment (disguised as a sense of responsibility to their family) that they let their wives walk all over them. When they start standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, their wives initially balk, but suddenly find themselves for assured of their husband’s love, more respectful, and more attracted to him. They appreciate the relationship more and find it gives them greater value as well.

Careers: Nice Guys are only relatively successful, because they are underachievers, afraid to leave jobs even when they aspire to do something else.These ranged from disgusting to infuriating. I'm supposed to be sitting around reading about the sex lives of gay men and be rooting for their relationship? Hard pass. This guy gives at least two examples of men he convinced to get divorces including one who had just had an affair, and he acted like it was a real accomplishment for the man to get the courage to do so. Exhibit A on why one should mistrust family therapists. In other words, why should some people invest so much energy to become something that they are not when this brings them nothing but rage, anger, and disappointment in return? The other big aspect of Nice Guys is that they try really hard to deny their own needs. This manifests in things from career aspirations to sex. Nice Guys think that, if they can be completely needless, then they will cause no trouble for others, won’t be competition, won’t make any demands, and will be liked. The problem is that they have to get their needs met somehow and too often they resort to passive-agressive behavior or build up a lot of resentment. It’s actually pretty illogical when you spell it out, but I know it’s how a lot of men think and behave, because I did. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are “good,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results – as it often does – Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.” Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives. I came to realize that I wasn’t the only man thinking that if I was just nice, people would like me, they would meet my needs without me having to ask, and I would have a smooth, problem-free life.